It's been a few weeks since my last post but I've had to really get my head around what I want to talk about in this blog. In many ways I feel like the physical, palpable, healing part of this experience is winding down. Our apartment is starting to feel like home again. The rented recliner and TV were taken away. I'm cooking again, playing piano, driving myself, and hugging my husband with a full, real hug. Well, a little softer than before. For all the trauma that I've experienced in the last three months I'm experiencing a very gentle and calm period now.
Our focus this week is on my second round of IVF. Despite seemingly good numbers of viable eggs (19) in the first round that we decided to fertilize (10), only 3 of those embryos made it to the blastocyst stage, but all were poor cell quality and ineligible for freezing. I didn't anticipate the difficulty I had with losing those embryos. I felt so sad and helpless for several days. In 5 years when I'm off of Tamoxifen who knows what the state of my eggs will be? I felt like that first round of IVF was our sure shot...and it really didn't go as expected. The day I found out that none of the embryos were viable my mom had me look at a calendar. Our timing works out so that we can fit in another round of IVF before I start taking Tamoxifen in early November. All of the medication is covered again by the Livestrong Foundation and Santa Barbara Fertility is giving us a generously discounted rate again.
I'm feeling really optimistic about this round. My body is so much healthier than before! I'm not on antibiotics, not weening off of anesthesia or taking painkillers. I walk to my appointments at the fertility center to get a little exercise and 'me time' in each day. After Shaw gives me shots every night we take a few minutes to slow dance. We joke that we're bringing the love back into baby making! All of these aspects are vast improvements from the first round and give me confidence that we're doing the very best we can.
Here's a photo of 1/3 of the fertility drugs and me numbing my belly with an ice cube before doing the shots.
Beyond currently growing ~30 eggs (so far 14 on one side and 16 on the other!!) my focus is all emotional and psychological. Now that my physical body is feeling good I can really get into the nitty gritty of my emotional health. I've started attending a weekly meditation class at the Breast Cancer Resource Center and am starting to see our therapist one-on-one. I'm also reading "Transitions: Making Sense of Life's Changes" which is an incredible book that applies to all the twists and turns, beginnings and endings of life. Through reading this book I've been able to identify my style of dealing with transitions and sort through why I'm feeling and acting a certain way.
One of my biggest concerns right now is returning to work on November 5th. For the last 6 weeks 100% of my focus has been on me and my body and my health. Work has barely crossed my mind at all. I'm having a hard time reconciling the fact that I will need to be at work and think about work for at least 40 hours a week. I'm definitely not alone. Here's what an article says about young adults with cancer: "Young adults diagnosed with cancer experience interrupted lives...All of this impacts the young adult’s identity and life as he or she knew it. These side effects can last well past treatment when a young adult “looks fine” to the outside world while, “inside,” he or she is struggling emotionally, physically and existentially." There's no doubt that it's going to be really weird and probably really hard to be back at work for the first few days and weeks. Refocusing and reprioritizing myself and my care around the work day seems really unnatural. Careers and Cancer is a website I've been using to help sort through some of these feelings.
Beyond work just being out in the world is kind of strange too. I don't have any outward signs of cancer. No chemo means my hair is the same. My new breasts are very similar to my original breasts so all of my shirts still fit. I haven't gained or lost weight. I'm still smiling. And yet, everything has changed. My life is completely changed. Forever. I'm never not going to be someone who had cancer. I hate that and I embrace it. I hate it for obvious reasons. I embrace it because of the impact I can have as a voice of young diagnosis, someone who self-advocated every step of the way, and someone who has gotten through it. For those reasons I can feel like there is something positive about all of this, especially when I can share my story and help someone who is also going through this.
So, what can you do for someone who is going through a hard time like a cancer diagnosis or treatment? Here's a few things that have made a big difference for me:
Our focus this week is on my second round of IVF. Despite seemingly good numbers of viable eggs (19) in the first round that we decided to fertilize (10), only 3 of those embryos made it to the blastocyst stage, but all were poor cell quality and ineligible for freezing. I didn't anticipate the difficulty I had with losing those embryos. I felt so sad and helpless for several days. In 5 years when I'm off of Tamoxifen who knows what the state of my eggs will be? I felt like that first round of IVF was our sure shot...and it really didn't go as expected. The day I found out that none of the embryos were viable my mom had me look at a calendar. Our timing works out so that we can fit in another round of IVF before I start taking Tamoxifen in early November. All of the medication is covered again by the Livestrong Foundation and Santa Barbara Fertility is giving us a generously discounted rate again.
I'm feeling really optimistic about this round. My body is so much healthier than before! I'm not on antibiotics, not weening off of anesthesia or taking painkillers. I walk to my appointments at the fertility center to get a little exercise and 'me time' in each day. After Shaw gives me shots every night we take a few minutes to slow dance. We joke that we're bringing the love back into baby making! All of these aspects are vast improvements from the first round and give me confidence that we're doing the very best we can.
Here's a photo of 1/3 of the fertility drugs and me numbing my belly with an ice cube before doing the shots.
Beyond currently growing ~30 eggs (so far 14 on one side and 16 on the other!!) my focus is all emotional and psychological. Now that my physical body is feeling good I can really get into the nitty gritty of my emotional health. I've started attending a weekly meditation class at the Breast Cancer Resource Center and am starting to see our therapist one-on-one. I'm also reading "Transitions: Making Sense of Life's Changes" which is an incredible book that applies to all the twists and turns, beginnings and endings of life. Through reading this book I've been able to identify my style of dealing with transitions and sort through why I'm feeling and acting a certain way.
One of my biggest concerns right now is returning to work on November 5th. For the last 6 weeks 100% of my focus has been on me and my body and my health. Work has barely crossed my mind at all. I'm having a hard time reconciling the fact that I will need to be at work and think about work for at least 40 hours a week. I'm definitely not alone. Here's what an article says about young adults with cancer: "Young adults diagnosed with cancer experience interrupted lives...All of this impacts the young adult’s identity and life as he or she knew it. These side effects can last well past treatment when a young adult “looks fine” to the outside world while, “inside,” he or she is struggling emotionally, physically and existentially." There's no doubt that it's going to be really weird and probably really hard to be back at work for the first few days and weeks. Refocusing and reprioritizing myself and my care around the work day seems really unnatural. Careers and Cancer is a website I've been using to help sort through some of these feelings.
Beyond work just being out in the world is kind of strange too. I don't have any outward signs of cancer. No chemo means my hair is the same. My new breasts are very similar to my original breasts so all of my shirts still fit. I haven't gained or lost weight. I'm still smiling. And yet, everything has changed. My life is completely changed. Forever. I'm never not going to be someone who had cancer. I hate that and I embrace it. I hate it for obvious reasons. I embrace it because of the impact I can have as a voice of young diagnosis, someone who self-advocated every step of the way, and someone who has gotten through it. For those reasons I can feel like there is something positive about all of this, especially when I can share my story and help someone who is also going through this.
So, what can you do for someone who is going through a hard time like a cancer diagnosis or treatment? Here's a few things that have made a big difference for me:
- Send a card. Emails carry the expectation of a response and a call can be tiring, but a real card with a simple 'thinking of you' message or a word of encouragement means more than you could imagine. Finding cards in the mail every few days from friends and family was so special and meaningful and helped me feel like I was surrounded by love. Care packages take this to the next level. Shaw's amazing sister sent an amazing Carton Blanche that knocked my socks off!
- Don't say, "Let me know what I can do to help"!!!! This seemingly nice gesture is hollow and puts the person in an awkward position to ask, and when it comes to something like this they probably don't even know what they need. I sure didn't. Be proactive if you really want to help. Bring them a treat, schedule a time to go for a walk, listen, take them to an appointment. My sweet mom went above and beyond and did our laundry for several weeks during my surgery recovery. A friend brought over vegan ice cream just because. This is the stuff that truly helps.
- Your presence is a present. Yes, it's a total cliché but it's totally true. When everything else is changing having the people who love and care for you nearby is everything. My girlfriends made extra effort to get together for dinner and movies and I felt so loved. Shaw's Aunt Christina came into town and was here for us in every sense. For those who aren't nearby the person in need, refer to #1! Your love will still be felt!
In other news, Wheaton College responded to my letter! The breast self-exam shower cards that were in each shower when I was a student were removed at some point in the last 6 years. My parents have generously donated the amount needed to purchase and restore the cards to each shower on campus. Those simple little cards may have made the difference between my very curable Stage II and an incurable Stage IV diagnosis. Truly life saving. Consider donating funds or the physical cards to your alma mater to help raise awareness on college campuses everywhere!
Sending you all hugs!
Jessie
